My StumbleUpon PageSo there I am, sitting staring at an e-mail in my inbox. It would seem that I’m being offered a part in a porn movie, which will pay 2000 euro, for one and a half hour’s ‘work’. Looking closer at the email, I see the company is called ‘Lepreporn’.
How did this all come about?
Audition
Some weeks back I received a call from my agent, telling me I’ve been successful in an audition for a part in a TV film. This was on one condition, that I have a full driving license. The part was too good to pass, so I told them I would have it on time for filming. I haven’t been driving for years, and as I originally learnt in a rusty 25 year old truck, this was going to take some work.
I only have two months to undertake this challenge. I realise that this is going to be a costly exercise as lessons will be expensive. I need some money, and I need it fast. I start looking for extra work, but don’t have much luck.
Spell
Wondering what to do next, it occurs to me to try a money drawing spell. I haven’t been doing any magick for a long time, so I knock out a simple spell, almost carelessly. I ask for a specific amount, thinking I could sort out another few things I need at the same time.
It's fucking awful.
'ROIDE ME YE MAD CUNT YA'
'Fucked in Ireland', is a cheap, grotesque, ninety-minute barf-fest of pythonesque absurdity. I manged to watch about five minutes before almost heaving. It's one thing to hear people roaring stuff like 'oh yeah baby, give it to me you sexy this that and the other...' in an American or German accent, but it's entirely another when mid-sex encouragements are called out in a nasal, north-Dublin screech that you could strip paint with.
Add to that the fact that this is one seriously rough bunch of folk we're talking about here (a gang of oompa-loompa faced brassers getting remorselesly speared by a pack of lads sporting bleach-blonde fringes and slightly-smudged tattoos) and it all adds up to one deeply unpleasant viewing experience. Think 'Society' meets 'Your sisters home wedding video'. Or something.
Avoid like the plague. And have some fucking taste.
On a visit to Dublin two days later, I call around to see a friend. While checking my emails on my computer, I see I’ve an email from net-model.com. This is website for models/actresses where you can display some photos and information, and then be contacted by interested photographers. The site seems reputable, but I’m not sure that everyone who uses it is.
The email was from a company called ‘Lepreporn’ offering me the exact amount I had asked for in my spell… They were offering me 2000 euros for a three day shoot, ‘working’ for a half an hour a day. I looked at their profile on the model site, and their blurb said:
‘We are the only Irish adult film company which film R18 movies, we only employ Irish actors. We have been making movies for about 2 years now and are becoming major players in the adult industry so if you want to make good money and have lots of fun, email us your details.’
Vaseline
‘We only use Irish actors’. Is that supposed to be encouraging? The last thing you would want, when making a porn movie, is to ‘bump’ into someone you know. “Oh, how yea Pat, are you working on this thing too? Oh great, great, it’s nice to know someone else. I’ll see you during the shoot then. ”
Not to mention the chances of good old Irish porn being watched by someone who knows you. Unless they are stating the fact that they are supporting only Irish workers, with no emigrants taking Irish jobs here.
When I did a search on Google for them, I came up with nothing. All I found was a page on windycitymedia.com which has David J. Madziarz pondering on the lack of leprechaun porn on the web. He says:
‘The wee little ones must have given up sex for Lent because in spite of numerous Google searches, I couldn’t find any leprechaun porn sites on the Internet. If it did exist, would it be called “lepreporn?”
Decline
Mr. Madziarz is quite right to feel disappointed at the lack of leprechaun porn, but I doubt Lepreporn are going to fill the gap in the market. Unless of course this is Mr. Madziarz’s company… in which case there will be some interesting costumes for the ‘actors’ to wear in the films.
I am afraid I will have to disappoint (or not) a few readers by saying I declined the offer, if I ever feel the urge to make a porn film it will be as far away as possible, ( Mars perhaps). I felt the Universe/whatever was having a right old laugh at my spell messing. Next time I’m getting it right. No half measures.
Oh and I did get my money in the end. Just not that way…
"Tá mé ag teacht?"
The fuckin cheek of you, do you know how hard it was to film that. Its only fuckin acting. Have you nothing better to do with your time than slagging me off.
Become a porn star? and if you would what would your limits be? and if you wouldn't why not?
And yep I have been watching channel 4! and yes I would be a porn star despite the fact that I am hung like a hamster and I would definitely draw the line at all that pissing/shitting/vomiting kinda stuff..
AeroPhile
Well, having featured in a few home made for personal viewing productions (Now deleted), I would say, probably not.
Rudy
Gather ye round, ye lads and lassies, and listen to my tale...
Many moons ago, I visited a friend of the gay persuasion in London for a bit of an oul holiday. On the Saturday morning, while said friend's boyfriend was at work, we ended up in the scratcher (yes, I was a total slapper in those days). All was going well, until I heard this distinctly German accent coming from the computer, saying "You guys are so hot, Ja!". Imagine my surprise when I realised he was complementing me and friend and our performance, which friend had neglected to tell me was being broadcast on t'internet for the delight of all.
To cap it all, the friend had saved the broadcast on the computer, only for it to be discovered by the boyfriend on his return from his toil. Oddly enough, they are no longer together.
And that's the very reason, I became a porn star for a day.
Ay de diddle doh.
AeroPhile
Ha!
Brilliant!
FrankHollywood
Well lets just say a friend of mine borrowed a blue DVD enittled "I Came On A Donkey"from a mate at work, so anyway he gets home and puts this on and is watching two foxy young ladies get it on so he starts to warm up and he's sitting there with the skipper in hand when things really spice up when the scene cuts to a nice pair of legs and the camera pans out to reveal his mate in his girlfriends bra and stockings smiling at the camera and saying "What kind of sick fuck would watch a film called "I came on a donkey"
Needless to say I don't think the guuy finished his hand shandy...
Sin Moore
I friend of mine went once to a sex shop (the one in Leonard's Corner for those of you interested in joining the porn industry) and was asked if he would take part in a "classy erotic" film based on his exotic looks. He said yes and became a porn star instantly. The downside? The DVD made its way up to Harcourt St Garda HQ and the sex shop was raided. The news were presented in detail in the Evening Herald and illustrated with a couple of stills taken from the video. He swears he'll never do it again.
Boogie
Friends of mine were gainfully employed from time to time doing vocal 'dub'ing of euro porn into English. :toothy:
Not all was as it seemed - They told me of a great scene they were 'in' together giving it all the 'Yeah Baby!'s and the 'Horse it into me big fella!'s. She was 8 months pregnant at the time and he's a complete bender! :laugh:
Still it's a pretty easy way to make cash.
dellarocca
a friend of mine
friend of mine
I love this "friend" thing.
dublin6th
i'd do it ... all of it as long as it with a female ... course being married that puts a big stop on it ... but theres not much i wouldnt try .. again only with females ... not a homophobe ... its just not my bag1
shimjimminy
not a hope in hell.
birdbath
i'll have to think about it. ok. i've thought about it. no.
i see no point in frightening people with my 'riding face'. although i would do the voice overs - I imagine that would actually be quite an amusing experience.
Rowche Rumbler
The Blather camp says no to Lepreporn (http://www.blather.net/shitegeist/000794.htm)
FrankHollywood
[QUOTE=dublin6th]i'd do it ... all of it as long as it with a female ... course being married that puts a big stop on it ... but theres not much i wouldnt try .. again only with females ... not a homophobe ... its just not my bag1[/QUOTES
So you would shit all over another woman would you? I'd have to draw the line but then again maybe I'm just a prude
Biggyrotten
[QUOTE=dublin6th]i'd do it ... all of it as long as it with a female ... course being married that puts a big stop on it ... but theres not much i wouldnt try .. again only with females ... not a homophobe ... its just not my bag1[/QUOTES
So you would shit all over another woman would you? I'd have to draw the line but then again maybe I'm just a prude
He's done it before eh?
well ok,...maybe it's not so bad...*nervously picks up phone to ring girlfriend*
TheFunkeyGibbon
No. No. No. No. And um... NO.
I'm a total hypocrite. I'll watch it but there is no way I could take part.
Lanod
No way, not for size issues (apparantly), I would just be too embarrassed.
FrankHollywood
No. No. No. No. And um... NO.
I'm a total hypocrite. I'll watch it but there is no way I could take part.
unless of course it was gay porn eh? sorry only joking...
Seraph
You can see my answer on blather.net. Lepreporn. I haven't succumbed yet anyway. Unless it was with real leprechauns. Then I would have to reconsider.
dublin6th
He's done it before eh?
it takes special kinda woman ... but in all seriousness maybe the old college days me would have done it (no doubt about it in fact) but the 27 married with a kid guy i am now would probable not go as far as "scat"
hippybint
The imagery from the other 'dark side of porn' thread has brought tears of blood to my eyes & the thought of two up an arse & arse-to-mouth action just ain't doing it for me...I'll earn my crust another way thanks!
TheFunkeyGibbon
arse-to-mouth action
crust
I think that says it all.
Swan
a 'friend' of mine would like to be a dominatrix [shifty]
Seraph
A 'friend' eh... What's stopping her? What could stop a dominatrix?
CookieMonster
hell no, not after the last time.
dellarocca
a 'friend' of mine would like to be a dominatrix [shifty]
Ah yeeesss.... (http://www.p45rant.net/boards/showpost.php?p=1466361&postcount=8)
Conchial
Nah ,
I can't have all my trade secrets getting out , the world would be awash with learned attentive studtastic lovers and I would somhow be less special.
The missus used to do the auld pron translation thing back in Germany. Every now and again i'll wind her up about the leiderhosed clad legions of Gunters grunting away to the sound of her voice. For some unknown reason ribbing her that way always seems to happen on nights when I don't get any. Odd that.
Fecked in Ireland
Mairéad Whelan wrestles with the slippery question of Irish porn.
I Can't, I Can't aka Wedding Night was the first Irish porn movie. Okay, so it wasn't porn, but it did have nudity. And sex. And Irish characters (played by English people). So we banned it. Proper order. But Piers Haggard's 1969 stunner was quite sweet really. It was about a girl who, well, couldn't, mainly because she was having flashbacks to hearing her mammy roaring in the bed. Surely daddy was trying to murder her? So the poor girl never did it. Better off, really, her husband was played by Dennis Waterman.
It was an era when breastfeeding was for hippies, people told tall tales of naked boobies on Spanish beaches, and anyone who'd entered a European sauna was given whiskey for the trauma. We didn't get our bits out for anyone, and didn't understand why anyone else should either. We're not sexy, see. And there aren't enough of us. Porn isn't about someone your sister did a tefl course with, or the girl who works in your local takeaway, or any class of a cousin. And another thing, really, tell me, what self-respecting Irish cailín would risk her granny hearing she's her gúna off and is making labour noises on someone's telly? Not me. I'd have a wooden spoon across my arse before you could say ‘Ooh matron!'
Yet the myth existed. Internet boards discussed the possibility, the reality, the hope and the dream of the elusive Irish porn film, or Lepreporn. They trawled through the never-ending seedy corridors and laneways of the super-net with sex, and Irish sex on their minds. Note that these people were not looking for incredible erotic cinema, or even just sexy results. They were looking for comedy. And comedy they found.
Made In Connemara
There was Anneke does Ireland, where Anneke, our blonde-wigged heroine, gave herself erotic enemas (that's right, I'll say it again so you don't have to go backwards, erotic enemas, i.e. topless with pipe up bum) in scenic locations around Ireland – a farmer's cottage, the Shelbourne and Bunratty Castle. There was more comedy to be found in scenic Connemara. It had become the home of Roger Corman's b-movie studio, churning out low low-budget slasher, crasher, kung foo, goo, and science fiction for an American audience, many of which have a fair level of soft porn. And Made In Connemara soft porn means only one thing – Fair City lovelies in the nip! While his films are made but not usually set on our fair shores (more likely on a sexy spaceship, check out Spacejacked) they do feature actual Irish actresses getting their lady bits out for no reason whatsoever! Roger's missing a trick there; why not harness some of those pouting tg4 weathergirls? Gaelwhores, the movie! Now that I'd go see. (Actually that's a lie, but I would laugh at the trailer.
